You Need to Try These Dating and Relationship Tests

by | Emotional Intelligence, Techniques (Proven)

Not every relationship is worth your time. In this article, we’ll guide you through the best dating and relationship tests to assess the person you’re with, identify red flags, and decide when to stay and when to walk away.

And if you’re a woman reading this, let’s just say you’ll have a leg up on the other ladies out there because you’ll know how to pass each test.

Before the Date: the Door Test

Let’s start with a famous one:

Here it is:

Sometimes the signs that tell you whether she is a taker or a collaborative gal can be very subtle.

Especially if you look solid, albeit that might seem counterintuitive. A girl might ask and task very directly and obviously with clueless guys but she might tiptoe and be on her best behavior if you look strong and she likes you.

But eventually, her true nature will come up as the relationship evolves and the power dynamics change.

I remember once eating with an ex-girlfriend of mine. It was the last piece of ravioli and she was still eating one while I was done. So theoretically, it should have been mine. But I still asked her if she wanted it.

Her reply? She nodded her head as if her taking the last one was the most natural thing in the world.

Again, it’s a small thing, but at inverted roles, I would have said: “we share it”.

Other important cues are:

  1. How she treats others
  2. Her past relationships

If she was a bitch in the past and now she’s a kitten with you, don’t take pride in it too early: chances are she hasn’t changed and it’s very possible, if not likely, that she will be a bitch to you too when:

  1. The “butterfly phase” ends
  2. She will get more power and you’ll lose some (commitment, marriage, you move in with her, etc.)
  3. You’ll be down on your luck
  4. You stop providing something you were initially providing, for whatever reason (great sex, good lifestyle, fun, romance, advice, connections, etc.)

Once I dated a girl who willingly told me the story of how she broke up with her ex.

The ex drove her to her grandmother’s place a couple of hours away. At the door, she turned around and said “I don’t want to see you again, it’s over”.

No kidding, she knew she was going to break up but let him drive her for two hours and then go back by himself.

Sure she was very into me and I was in charge… At that time. But thinking that you can “control” a girl like that into behaving properly forever is a fool’s errand: you’re far better off looking for a cooperative woman if you want to settle down.

The story also suggests that a great strategy to get to know women is to make them feel like there is truly no judgment from you whatsoever.

During the Date: Shared Meal Tests

Shared meals here mean dishes and food in the middle of the table.

Think of a sort of “tapas” or “couples menu” with 2 different main courses (pasta/meat, for example), 1 salad, 1 dessert, and maybe some smaller extras. A shared meal is opposed to the most classical way of eating where each one of you has your own dish.

Shared meals offer far greater opportunity for assessing characters, and judging the potential for a deeper relationship. I have noticed that it’s a great tool for assessing characters quickly—on the very first date—and fairly reliably.

Some key behaviors to observe:

  • Does she also serve you or just serve herself? 

Women who also serve you show a collaborative attitude.

A silent test I like that you could also run is to wait for the food to arrive to the table and then see if she is going to serve herself first, you first, or if she serves herself first and you never (in the meanwhile, you could take care of pouring the water, or pretend to quickly check your phone).

It’s also a very bad sign if you serve her and she doesn’t serve you back. And worst of all if you serve her, she doesn’t serve you back, and doesn’t even say “thanks”.

That’s why it’s also a great test to serve her and see how she takes it.

  • Does she expect you to serve her?

Very bad sign.

These women have either an entitled/spoiled mindset or they are aiming at being the prize of the relationship.

In some cases, these women have grown up with fathers who idolized their mothers, and now their expectation is for their partners to do the same.

You can reset expectations with these women and reach a more equitable relationship, but it will take some more time.

  • Does she ask you what you like or does she pick regardless of shared tastes?

If she shares her tastes and asks about yours, that’s a win-win gal who also contributes.

If she picks her favorite dishes with little regard for what you like, she doesn’t stand for a strong team, and it’s a potentially win-lose gal.

If she only asks what you like and she’s cool with everything, that’s a gal who’s relinquishing all control to you.

The last one can be a good sign, that she is trusting you and accepting your leadership.

But more data is needed.

If she never pitches in, that’s not the best scenario. Ideally, you want women who bring their own value and input to the table. Plus, some women relinquish control but still blame the man if things don’t go well. You don’t want that :).

  • Does she share portions equally or take them without thinking about you? 

So far, how she divides the meals’ portions have been a fairly reliable way of assessing collaborators and value-givers versus more selfish characters.

Also, pay close attention to when there is only a small bite or a single item left of a tapas you both liked (similar to the last ravioli). Does she go for it, or does she share it?

A testing power move here can be to ask her:

You: “Would you like the last piece of… (whatever is left)?”

Collaborative women will either say you can share it or thank you for the nice thought.

Women who expect to be served will nod their head as if taking the last piece all for themselves was the most natural thing in the world.

  • Does she tell you “pass me this”, “pass me that”, or does she take it herself?

She is tasking you, and what it means is contextual.

It’s either you were not dominant/high-power enough, and she is now taking charge, or she is naturally bossy and domineering.

Living with bossy and commanding women can be an eternal struggle for control, which makes for poorer relationships.

However, don’t jump to conclusions if the tasking was called for. If she can’t reach something and asks you to pass it to her, that’s OK. Especially if she thanks you afterward.

  • Ask her if she likes the food: does she like it or does she complain about it?

Such a potent, simple, yet so under-utilized way of assessing people.

I’ve taken several women to the exact same place I like, with widely different feedback on the quality of food and venue.

And every time, it well predicted how easy and pleasant it was to date and get along with her (or difficult).

Expect the women who complain to be generally hard to please in life. Expect the women who show appreciation to be generally more positive and appreciative.

To test for this one, it’s best if the place has good quality food, but not too extreme in either way (if it’s obviously poor-quality or obviously high-cuisine, then it doesn’t serve as a very good test).

  • How does she treat the staff?

As someone said:

Quote: “To test people’s true  character, give them power.”

The staff usually has low power compared to the patrons which makes it a great test of character.

I had meals with women who were very kind to the staff and they almost invariably turned out to be kind women in general.

And I’ve seen women who order the staff around, do not thank them for the service, and do not even look them in the eyes. I was even embarrassed in some of the worst cases.

I have not entered any meaningful relationship with these women and the reason is that I’m pretty sure their behavior with the staff was also a reliable indicator of their character.

  • How does she feel about leaving food

Women who take care of their—and of mutual—finances prefer not to throw stuff away.

People with high entitlement and an “I’m the prize” attitude couldn’t care less.

The worst result for this test is a woman who orders something and then barely even eats it / drink it.

If it’s coupled with you paying and her not thanking you, take it as a HUGE red flag. She will spend your money until there isn’t a single drop left and then complain you don’t make enough.

I see all of these as small but highly significant indicators of future direction.

Imagine you veer by just one degree while at the helm of a boat. The first few minutes, it does little to nothing. Similarly, the fact that she only serves herself is not going to impact your life that much.

But the more time you spend with her in the future, the more the underlying character that leads to that behavior will impact your life.

And if you decide to make her your long-term partner, wife, or mother of your children…then it’s going to make a huge difference in your life and take you to a very different destination.

See more in this thread.

Questions to Ask on the Date: the “Crazy” Question

When I was sitting in Berlin I only dated in two places:

  • A gay bar near an Italian restaurant where I knew waiters and owners (I’d do either the restaurant or the bar, sometimes one after the other)
  • A walk around Kudamm which is a famous street near the zoo (we’d watch the monkeys and then go with the flow)

Watching the monkeys, I’d always ask women this question:

Me: “Would you shoot a monkey for 10,000 euros?”

monkey within crosshair

If they’d say no, I would insist.

Me: “How about 50,000 euros.”

And then:

Me: “How about 1 million euros. Oh come on, you’re not even sure you’re gonna hit one from here. Imagine all you could do with that money. You could buy all the shoes you want, travel the world…Heck, you could even save a thousand monkeys with that money.”

The answers women give you on this one are very insightful.

Most women deny that they would shoot a monkey. But how they deny it will still give you important information.

Let’s review the different types of answers and what they communicate:

The Bland “No, I Wouldn’t”

Answering “no”, but without any passion to it might be the most common reply.

It’s also the answer where it’s the most likely that she is putting on a social mask to avoid looking “bad”.

These girls do not pass the test: they show themselves as being boring, flat, unable to see a good opportunity for dialogue and information gathering, and acritically going along with the social expectation.

The “No, Are You Crazy??”

If they act like you’re being crazy and stupid to even ask that, and that such a question is making you look bad for even asking it, that can be a good sign.

She has some strong moral boundaries which, at least at first blush, she’s not willing to barter for money.
If she takes a judge role and shames you for just asking it’s also a good sign: she wants emotionally stable men, with good values. And that suggests that she’s an emotionally stable woman with good values. Both are signs of quality.

The “Not for 10k, 1 Million, Maybe”

These girls are more on the rational side.

They will not flat-out deny it, but they won’t take the first offer either.
They will think about the money and the pain that killing an animal would cause, and then they will try to make a quick cost-benefit analysis on the fly.

The follow-up question you must ask here is:

You: “How would you spend that money?”

If she would spend at least some of it for good pro-social causes, that’s a great sign.
She wants to make up for the pain she caused and give something back.
She saw the opportunity, realized that she could reach a win-win-win, and she picked that option.

These girls pass the test—hinging upon where you stand on animal rights.

The “No, I Don’t Need the Money”

This is one of my favorite replies.

The “no” here is not just grounded on personal values, but also stems from her general attitude towards money.
It’s the “no, because I got enough” and “no because I don’t need more” view.
It’s not necessarily that she’s rich, but that she just doesn’t care that much about money. She is the polar opposite of a gold digger.

This is similar to my own attitude.
If someone gave me 10,000 euros in cash, it would probably make my day, but definitely wouldn’t extend long enough to make my whole week. I’d say, “Yeah, put it in the bank,” and then nothing would change.

My life wouldn’t change much even if it were 1 million.
I’d still be doing the exact same things.

And I love that same attitude in a woman.
A woman who is more driven by experiences, emotions, feelings, and passions rather than money. That’s very attractive.

Avoids Answering

If she acts slightly put off and avoids replying, it’s possible that it’s a yes but she’s uncomfortable with lying.

These girls don’t pass the test.

The Raw Honesty of Saying “Yes”

Surprisingly, a few women actually said yes.

I clearly remember one saying “yes” straight up, very flat tonality.
No emotions, no personal turmoil, no nothing. Not good.

One was even better and more Machiavellian about it.
It went like this:

Me: “Would you shoot a monkey for 10,000 euros?”
Her
: “Would there be people around?”
Me: “No. Nobody would know anything, and you can’t be prosecuted for it.”
Her: (Slight pause, lower volume, submissive gaze, as she if was admitting to something bad) “Then yes”

Somehow, I am perversely attracted to this type of reply.
Part of it is the attraction that a dark side can muster.
Part of it is the show of submissiveness.
But a good chunk of it, is the raw honesty.
love raw honesty in a woman.

While this reply is dangerous for possible signs of anti-sociality, she is also showing her full and true self. She is being extremely vulnerable and sincere. In a way, she is complimenting you as well: she deems you as a guy who can stomach the truth and deal with her for who she really is.
It’s a somewhat dark bubble that is forming: you two are in your own special bubble. It’s composed of the only two people around who can freely share their darkest selves with each other.

Raw honesty is not just attractive to me, though. Men are not used to raw honesty, and that’s why women’s raw honesty is so disarming.
And it’s one of the reasons why I often advise women not to hide their happiness when a man is contacting them. The raw honesty of “showing her cards” takes men by surprise.
And it’s a positive surprise. He feels special, wanted, and like this could be a truly special relationship without the games he’s used to.

The Problem with This Reply

The problem, of course, is that in the future, and the case of a breakup or divorce, you might become the monkey who gets shot.
The girl is basically telling you straight up she doesn’t have many qualms about potentially causing pain to another living creature. And the step between animals and humans is not that big.

But then again, in the case of divorce, you’d probably lose your shirt with most of the ladies who said “no” anyway.

The difference is that the honest girl will be more honest about wanting to take as much as possible from you.
While the “no, are you crazy girls” will spin stories in their head that you deserve to lose as much as possible. That way, they can keep their self-image of being overall good people.

The “No, But What About You?”

This is another answer I love.

These are the girls who are also assessing you.
They might be wondering, “Why is he asking this, is this guy testing me or is he a bit crazy?”
Or they want to use this occasion to also test your own values.

This is very good: these are women who don’t leave their dating lives to chance and it’s a sign of quality.

See more in this thread.

Questions to Ask on the Date: Contentious Socio-Political Issues

This technique will make you more feminine (and demure).

I have observed it in action a few weeks ago.
And after she used it, I immediately liked her more (as I described in this forum entry).

How It Works

When someone asks you about a deeply divisive topic, you must find a socially polite way to avoid answering.

The best way to avoid answering is to say that you have some opinions (so you don’t look dumb), but that you prefer to keep a good atmosphere and don’t want to create rifts.
That’s inherently feminine because it prioritizes the group’s cohesion and harmony over taking a personal stance or, worse, showing off.

Alternatively, you can provide an answer, but avoid taking a strong position towards one side or the other.

When you take a strong position, you almost always look like an extremist.
And potentially, like an angry extremist, which rarely works well in dating.

Take for example a question like, “What do you think of Donald Trump?”
If you say you hate him, people will think you’re an opinionated left-wing. Maybe the extremists in that table might like you more, but they’re usually a minority. And if you sound angry while you say it, trust the chance that you’d lose even more points.
If you say you like Trump instead, well…I guess you can see how that can easily backfire.

An Example

We were sitting in a mixed group table.

And the topic was “sexism in Korea”.

Curious as usual, I wanted to know the people’s opinions. (Spoiler alert: most men say there is little or no sexism while most women say there is a lot :).
There was one girl though who hadn’t spoken up, so I asked her:

Me: “What do you think about the topic. Do you think sexism is real in Korea or that it’s an issue?”

She said she would prefer not to answer because the topic creates confrontations

So while almost everyone at the table was happy to take sides, she called herself out, preferring to strike a note for balance and harmony.

I’m pretty sure that wasn’t premeditated by her, but I can tell you that I immediately liked her more. And I’m pretty sure she gained lots of points in most men’s eyes at that table.

To summarize this technique, it works because it goes to the core of one of the feminine traits men are after.

It will not be good for women who want to climb hierarchies at work or if you are a driven alpha female who wants to come across as strong and dominant.
But this is the dating section, and in dating demure beats powerful 8.5 times out of 10. (That estimate is purely mine, but you get the idea :).

See this thread for more.

At the End of the Date: the Tip Test

Shit tests are usually understood to go from women to men.

But that’s only because, on average, women have more power in the sexual marketplace.
Otherwise, it’s not strictly women who test, but people who have more value and options, and want to make sure they are getting a good deal. And, of course, independently of who has the higher value, it’s those who want to make sure they are selecting good mates who test others (and you do want to be in this category if you’re going for longer-term).

Alright, now imagine you’ve gone somewhere and got some food or some drinks.

The time to pay has come.

In the past I used to force the splitting of the bill a bit more, but now I’m much more casual and relaxed about it.

If you decide to pick up the tab, that can be a great time to test your date.

Pay by card. And then tell her to leave a tip.

But don’t remind her, just tell her once, casually.
Your attitude is as if to say, “I’ll take care of the big one, you take care of the small one, and we’re good like that.”

Then, observe whether she does or not. And if she does, how much she leaves.

This is 30% a test of submissiveness and reaction to your leadership and 70% a test of her character.

By itself, this will not tell you 100% whether she’s a pro-social, high-quality girl with whom you can establish a win-win, collaborative relationship. But it gives you a chance to gather more information that you wouldn’t otherwise gather—and it does so “under the radar”.

Plus, the intel you get is based on action rather than on what she just says on the date. And we all know that action counts 10x more.

See this forum thread for more.

After the Date: the Puddle Test

For example, if you’re walking back hand in hand after the date on the sidewalk/in the street, head toward a puddle and see what she does.

Most women will point out the puddle which is a neutral sign.

If she pulls you away toward her side to walk around the puddle or lets go of your hand to walk around the puddle separately, consider both these routes potentially negative signs.

But if she walks through the puddle with you (especially without saying a word) while still holding your hand, that’s your green sign.

As an added note, some women will start acting like little babies when they’re with a man they like.

I was once out with a woman on a rainy day and the streets had some puddles of rain. We were walking back from my place, it had been a nice time and she was so happy that she jumped into the puddle with both their feet. (I thought that was a bit too silly though and I didn’t enjoy dirty water splashing on my jeans.)

In a Relationship: the Dominant Tasking Test

It’s a simple way of testing women for:

  • General submissiveness
  • Submissiveness to you
  • Cooperative or confrontational attitudes
  • Attitudes towards power and relationship power dynamics

When you’re sitting and you need to get something, don’t get up.
Instead, explain where it is and then say something like this:

You: “Yeah, it’s in that cupboard there, go get it baby.” (Then stay silent, turn over her and look at her expectantly, let social pressure pile up.)

You can accompany your command with a slight pat on her back if you’re sitting. And if you’re standing and want to overdo it even more, with a light slap on her ass.

Now the tests here are actually two:

  • Whether she executes the tasks
  • Whether she pushes back on the “baby” keyword

“Baby,” together with the light slap, is slightly demeaning, but it’s done on purpose.
For those who’ve taken Power University, this is a “babying power move” that frames you as a powerful father figure and frames her as the low-in-power, submissive girl.

If she objects to the word “baby” but still does it, she accepts your power over her but wants that power to be delivered in a respectful manner.

She might have been a bit imbued with the feminist culture (feminist women will have “patriarchy alarm bells” go off all over the place with the word “baby” and it can be great fun :D) or she might have a natural feel for power dynamics.

However, this is good! You don’t want women who take all kinds of shit without at least making it known that they don’t appreciate it.

If she objects to the way you’re tasking her but eventually does it, you’re likely dealing with a girl who is willing to contribute and do her part but expects you to also do the same.

This is also good. Just make sure that you assign her tasks in a kinder fashion from then on.

If she rejects the task and does not budge, you are either dealing with a girl who doesn’t accept you as the relationship leader or with a girl who is more about winning than teamwork. This is bad.

Summary

There you have it! And remember that even if you’re currently in a relationship, you can take your girlfriend or wife on a date and perform these tests to see how she does.

Check out the following threads for more on what to look out for to assess women:

And if you’re a woman reading this article, check out:

About The Author

About The Author